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4 Things You Thought Were Guaranteed, But Aren’t

Posted by Heather Brautman | Tue, Sep 03, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

NotGuaranteed“You made me promises, promises,” was a Naked Eyes song from back in the 1980s, but who can’t relate? Ever feel betrayed by something you were so sure about – and we don’t mean the Triple Crown trifecta that you just had a gut instinct about? There are just some things in life that we’re supposed to know for sure, but then the carpet is pulled out from under our feet. Here are a couple of surprises that are supposed to be guaranteed, but aren't.

Loving the Way You Look

You’re going to love the way you look, but he’s just not going to guarantee it anymore. George Zimmer (note, no relation to George Zimmerman) once starred in the iconic Men’s Warehouse ads promising that men who bought into their what seemed to be “buy one suit, get four hundred free” deals would love the way they look. But even having created the company 40 years ago couldn’t stop Zimmer from being ousted in 2013. The company’s board, wanting to move in a direction away from the heavily Yankee-accented, speckled bearded Zimmer, didn’t exactly handle the change in a way Zimmer approved of, and the two entities had a bloody falling out in the media.

Pizza

From the very first stomach-rumbling craving for a hot pie with pepperoni to your door and into your mouth in… 30 minutes? It was the brainchild of the Domino’s chain to promise pizza delivery in “30 minutes or less,” which has pretty much become the standard of chains as well as mom-and-pop shops across the country. The promise worked… for a while. In fact, you probably think it’s still part of their promise. But it’s not, and it hasn’t been for 10 years. In 1993, Domino’s removed that promise from its roster because it was getting sued too much for being late.

Taxes

Taxes are one of the two things oft quoted as guarantees in life (read on to find out about #2). But a little digging shows that even this “pound of flesh” isn’t always what it appears. Dreading feeling the hit on April 15? Know that some years, you won’t always have to pay that day. A little holiday called Emancipation Day pre-empts Tax Day, which can end up giving you a few extra days to pay. You also don’t have to pay by April 15 if it’s a Sunday or holiday. And anyone who’s visited the IRS website knows there’s even more wiggle room – up to 6 months – if you plan ahead and get an extension. Some folks are even able to write off their taxes entirely.

Death

Otherwise known as, The Big One. It’d be pretty hard to get this one wrong, right? Well, think again. Not only does it seem to happen a lot more than you’d think, but there’s a record of it. Famous folks like Joe DiMaggio and Ernest Hemingway actually lived to see accidental obituaries (or "premature obituaries") printed about themselves. Though the obits were quickly retracted, they live forever in shame (even after the actual persons themselves finally did pass on – for real). And you don’t have to be famous to experience a serious an “OMG OOPS” moment. Stories such as the one about the woman who opened her eyes in a surgical center just as doctors were about to harvest her organs are all over the internet. It just goes to show that when you go, you never know.

And one that is: Checks

Seems like a little flimsy piece of paper couldn’t stand much ground against the specter of death, taxes, et al. But when backed by an army of electronics, top-rate customer service personnel, and tried-and-tested processes, check guarantee services are standing strong. When you adopt check guarantee, you can continue making promises to your customers, without putting yourself at risk. (And sometimes, you’ll even have your verification in 30 minutes or less, though anchovies and pineapple are extra.)

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Written by Heather Brautman